The last few months have been healing for me. I’ve had knee and shoulder issues for many years, and last week my PT gave me the green light to begin a running progression. This morning, pulling out my old running shoes, slipping them on, and stepping out the door reminded me of my old self.

I guess that’s what healing is, a return to self. The 20^th century Christian writer Thomas Merton popularized the notion of our true and false selfs, an idea I frequently return to. As children, many of us live sheltered lives, protected from harmful societal influences and expectations. The demands on us are lower, and we live simply and unfettered. Blissfully ignorant, our true selves and personality shine.

As we grow older and encounter less loving and supportive environments, we put on layers. Many kids undergo dramatic changes at the end of elementary school and middle school, when our true selves start to hide behind masks. We learn to speak, dress, and act in a certain way, and conform to what’s “cool” and socially acceptable. While I worked at the prison, the inmates and I frequently discussed this early childhood transition, when the inmates acquired the “gang mentality” and behaviorisms that contributed to their incarceration. To survive and adapt, we look to role models who we believe have made it, and we choose identities for ourselves that can last decades. This period, which ideally would be a safe and loving space for our true selves to flourish, can be devastating for someone in negative, discordant environments.

These layers can be hard to remove. The process of unlearning what stifles our true freedom and flourishing begins with awareness. This can come from incarceration, therapy, a trusted friend, or being removed from one’s normal environments. After the awareness, the difficult work begins of addressing the broken parts of ourselves that fell to harmful societal influences. As the inmates like to say, “hurt people hurt people”; this healing process, while intensely vulnerable and often painful, is essential to break destructive cycles and for our long-term happiness.

This morning with my run, I felt a return to self, a connection with old identities and experiences. However, “return to self” does not mean I felt the same as who I was in 2020, pre-injury. For one, I’m 6 years older, no longer in school, and fully in working life. But also, to heal, I’ve had to address the underlying structures and mentalities that led to the break in the first place. The pressure I put on myself, intense discipline, and societal burdens and expectations. The process of returning to self and removing these physical and mental layers is multi-faceted, and the only way is through.

I’m not free yet, but I’m on the journey. There’s a greater sense of trust, peace, confidence, and self-love, and I’m grateful for the moment. It was a beautiful day today.